For many years I held onto my feelings of hatred, anger and disgust in myself and my body. Those negative feelings ate away at the very core of who I was until I no longer recognised myself.
My weight ballooned out to about 120kg when I was 18 years old and I felt more alone and invisible than I ever knew possible.
For the next 25 years I battled with the demons inside of me trying desperately to lose weight, be skinny and not hate who I was. I tried and tried to be better but I never knew how. I didn’t have anyone to turn to so I turned inward. I became quiet and allowed my true thoughts and feelings to remain hidden from the world so I wasn’t in danger of getting hurt anymore than I already was. But in doing that the only feelings which came out of me were anger and frustration.
I was angry with my parents, myself, the world, other women (especially if they were skinnier and prettier than I), my friends, the stranger in the street… you name it, I was angry at it.
How dare everyone else get to be who they are and I am stuck in this fat, horrible, ugly body feeling like I shouldn’t even be here in this world. What was the point? Why was I here?
Eventually, I did lose the weight. I got skinny. Yay, me! Now I could finally be happy and free.
Oh, my gosh. How wrong was I?
The negative thoughts remained and I STILL hated who I was. I was now just a skinnier version of the unhappy and miserable women I saw in the mirror.
But they all said that if I lose weight I will be happy? They lied to me! Now I felt even more miserable because this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
What now? What am I to do now? Why aren’t I happy?
Even though I still had very, very dark thoughts about myself and my body there was this little something inside me which could not give up. Did not WANT to give up. Somewhere amongst all of the pain and anger there was this voice inside me whispering quietly in the background. I couldn’t hear what it was saying but I knew it was there.
I knew I had more to me than a fat body and an angry mind.
We all do.
We all have so much more to us than what our body looks like. There is so much more than the destructive thoughts swirling around our heads.
It wasn’t easy but I have found a way to forgive and release all of that destructiveness, that anger, the frustration and the dark thoughts which have been held in my mind and my body for so long.
I feel free. I feel peace. I feel joy.
I feel happy.
I’ll be completely honest here with you. There are still days where the darkness tries to wash over me. Where I fall back into my default mode of feeling horrible about myself but those days are few are far between now and if they do descend I am prepared and they don’t last days or weeks like they used to . They may last a few minutes or a few hours. I have armed myself with the right arsenal to fight the attack. I may not win every battle but I am certainly winning the war.
And, that is what the Forgive & Release Classes are all about.
Arming you with the right arsenal so you, too, can fight for yourself and win the war against body shame, body hate and self hate.
If you would love to join the LOVE body community and fight for our right to LOVE ourselves and our bodies then please join the waitlist. You will be the first to know all the details.